Dear Men Writers / by Jared Jones

muirmarie:

musicalhell:

valeria2067:

marvel-lucy:

cassiopeiassky:

angryschnauzer:

mistytang:

ivegotthetriforce:

deliciouspineapple:

annerocious:

Lesser known facts when writing women:

  • High heeled shoes don’t become flats if you break the heels off.
  • The posts of earrings aren’t sharp.
  • Nail polish takes a long time to dry and smudges when wet.
  • You can’t hold in a period like pee.
  • Inserting a tampon is not arousing or sexual in any way, ever.

Feel free to add your own.

- Bras leave red marks on the skin under and around boobs and it is a magical experience when taken off.

- Make up can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes depending on how skilled you are.

- Taking hair out of a ponytail after wearing it for hours does not make it perfectly straight when it comes down.

- Hair when wet sticks to the skin it no longer flows, idiot.

-When women with long hair kiss, turn around, do anything, their hair falls in the way.

- Stockings are itchy and tear like wet paper bags.

- Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different.

- Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble

- Most can’t run in heels unless they have been VERY worn

- Insecurity in appearance doesn’t mean “buy me a drink”

- EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN EVERYTHING

-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief.  If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it won’t fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.

Putting a tampon in isnt a quick bend-poke-done kinda deal. It involves cubicle yoga, messy hands, numerous curse words as you realise it isnt in correctly and have to take it out and start again with a new one.

Yes to all of this.  But also:

If her hair is in an updo, one does not simply remove a hairpin to send her hair cascading down her back.  No.  If her hair is an updo, it will take at least an hour and an extra set of hands to remove the 137 bobby pins that are holding her hair in place.  Furthermore, there’s probably a can’s worth of hairspray in there, intended to withstand category 2 hurricane winds.  There’s no cascading happening here - the best you can hope for is a misshapen nest of hair to clump and poof unattractively in the back while it still remains flat against her scalp.

This is one of the funniest posts I’ve seen in a while (especially if you read all the comments), but also really depressing because at 42 I still judge myself as having failed for not matching up to all these mythical stereotypes despite knowing they’re impossible

^^^This though

The odds of a woman having smoothly shaved legs and armpits are directly proportional to the amount of skin her clothing bares and/or the amount of fucks she gives at that particular moment.

GLASSES ARE NOT COSMETIC.  If we whip them off, we do not become gorgeous fashion models.  We become squinty.

- Most women I know change into comfortable clothes about .2 seconds after getting home from work

- Women who use hair ties will ime most likely have one around the wrist, possibly one in their purse, and DEFINITELY 500,000 forever lost in their home

- Women who use chapstick ime: hard same

- IT IS VERY EASY TO EAT LIPSTICK OFF. THIS IS WHY WE’RE IN THE BATHROOM REAPPLYING IT. THERE ARE SOME MAGICAL MYTHICAL LIPSTICKS THAT STAY ON WELL, BUT GENERALLY WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO DO SOME TOUCH-UP

- The reason why ladies go to the bathroom in the bathroom together is because ladies in bathrooms is honestly magical, and yes we’re talking but lol it’s probably not even about the dudes, we’re complimenting each other and complimenting other random ladies and just chatting tbh

- fingernail polish chips. we WILL notice that. it will haunt us.

- as was said above: taking off your bra IS a magical experience. ALSO OMG SCRATCHING AFTER TAKING YOUR BRA OFF. IT. IS. IMPORTANT.

- ladies jeans have practically non-existent pockets

- taking heels off: the ball of your foot is probably tender, the arch of your foot needs to be stretched, but also it feels REALLY weird to be walking flat again?? if someone is taking their heels off in story, they’re probably going to stretch their feet some imo.

- i don’t know one person who has ever, in her entire life, stared at herself naked in the mirror running her hands over her body and looking critically at her body parts. please stop this stupid, ham-handed piece of writing as a way to describe how babelicious your babe is and how much she hopes your protagonist is gonna enjoy fucking her.  she’s probably just lotioning up while dancing along to whatever music she’s got on her phone.  is she trying to do too many things while her hands still have some lotion on them? if she’s anything like me, definitely.  in which case she’s an idiot that should know better, but evidently doesn’t.

- cramps are an actual physical thing, like i know i know women on their period are so angry oh gosh i’m scared oh noes they’re awful!!!! but, like. actual, debilitating pain. 

- ALSO SOME OF US GET PAIN DURING OVULATION, TOO. Mine’s been like a subtle icepick through the ovary like three times out of the year.

- girls like girls like girls like girls, and girls will protect girls, and girls will go up to strangers and compliment them because girls like girls, and drunk girls LOVE other girls, drunk girls in bathrooms will literally die for girls they’ve never met before, GIRLS LIKE GIRLS, and if you consistently write about girls that don’t like other girls you have an absurdly limited view of ladies and honestly i’m disappointed in you. 

- girlfriends will forgive you.  their friends will not.

Source: https://annerocious.tumblr.com/post/153559...